Failure. To many people, including me, that is a very dirty word. We don’t like to fail. Failing is bad. We look on failure as a negative reflection of ourselves. When we fail we are somehow lesser, unworthy. This is something that I have been struggling a lot with lately. Every time I set a goal and fail to complete it I look at myself as a failure. The problem with this is, when I feel like a failure, then I expect to fail again in the future, and as I fulfill this self-fulfilling prophecy I grow more and more depressed with myself for failing and eventually stop trying all together. This is a vicious cycle.
The past two weeks or so have been especially bad because I got sick. I got absolutely nothing done. I failed. Trying to pick the pieces back up and get motivated to reset my goals, keep going and try again in this new week is harrrrrrrd. What if I fail again? What if I still don’t get everything I want done? Then I will be even more behind and I will never be able to catch up! Do you see the problem with this thinking?
I recently had a conversation with someone about the way we define failure. For me, whether or not I am a failure is attached to an outcome. If I accomplish ‘A,’ then I have found success, if I do not, then I have failed. Looking back over my life I was able to see that I have always defined failure in this way. If I got less than an A or B in school I had failed, if I got less than a Superior rating on my solo I had failed, if I did not keep a clean house I had failed…the list goes on and on.
For most of my life this definition of failure was not much of an issue. School came easy for me, I have always done pretty well at my jobs – I did okay with an outcome based definition of failure. But somewhere along the way things changed. I got married and placed expectations on myself as a wife – like keeping a clean house and cooking – that I was NOT good at. Then I decided to start writing and I set goals for when I would get things done, but as I have mentioned before I am a professional procrastinator and these self-imposed deadlines continue to pass me by unfulfilled. In other words, I keep failing.
Then the person I was talking to said something revolutionary: Why don’t you come up with a different definition of failure? Instead of defining failure by the successful completion of a task, define it by whether or not you try at all. By looking at it this way, if I pick up all the dirty dishes, but don’t have time to get the dusting done, I have still succeeded because I tried and did what I could. If I set a goal to write 3000 words, but am only able to write 1000 that’s okay, I still succeeded because I took the time to write something. If I had not even tried because I knew I wouldn’t have time to get it all done, that would have been the failure.
This is an interesting idea. It goes completely against my way of thinking about things for myself. I don’t have to think twice about giving similar advice or words of encouragement to a friend, but for me? Nope. I don’t give myself that luxury. And I’m not sure why. Growing up, my mother was never one to emphasize the outcome. She always told me and my sister that as long as she saw us trying our hardest it didn’t matter what grade we got in school, even if it was an F. So I am not really sure how that message got reversed in my own thought patterns, but it did.
I know that if I can change my way of thinking to adopt this different definition of failure that it would actually help with the outcomes I currently struggle so much with. I know that this change in thinking will not happen overnight, but I am going to try. I am going to be more conscious of the way I view failure and whether that view serves to motivate me or shackle me. No matter how long it takes, I already know that I am not a failure at it because I am making the choice to take the risk and try. That is success.
How do you define failure? Does your outlook on success and failure motivate or shackle you? Do you get caught in the vicious cycle of self-fulfilling prophecy? Let me know in the comments.
I feel like this too, Jess. It’s so hard to come to terms with “failure” when you’re wrapped up in trying to do everything all at once. ROW80 has actually made me realize that the end result isn’t always the biggest accomplishment – the act of trying is. Even when I don’t get everything done that I wanted to, I look over my update and think, wow! I still got a lot done, even if it wasn’t all of it.
Another blogger pointed out an interesting way she does edits. Typically, she can only edit about 20 pages a day. So, she gives herself the goal of editing 25. She might not make it, but rather than stopping at 20 with a job well done, she might do 22 instead. She still “failed,” but in the same sense she succeeded more than she would have initially. It’s all in perspective I guess!
It is all about perspective, which can be hard when you are a “glass is half empty” kind of person like me. It takes a lot of conscious effort for me to look at failure in this new way, and many days I don’t succeed at it, but I’m trying. And I know with time it will get easier.
Atta girl, Jessica! Good attitude. Not trying is failure. It’s also lazy and irresponsible and fattening. So get out there and try something.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
Hahahaha, so true! Thank you, Patricia.
I would like to say that I look at failure as a lesson, and maybe sometimes I do. But, really, when it comes to things that matter I look at failure as proof that I am not worthy and will never be able to do/have/be what I want. This is something I am working on, so this post is very timely for me. It’s also good to know that I am not the only one struggling with failure. It is really scary sometimes.
“when it comes to things that matter I look at failure as proof that I am not worthy and will never be able to do/have/be what I want.” – I do exactly the same thing. It is a very debilitating attitude to have and one that is next to impossible to get rid of, but that’s not going to stop me from trying. One day at a time. With an arsenal of support from close friends and family. Lol, I sound like I am entering a rehab program. Who knows, maybe I kind of am. Rehab for negative thinking.
I’ve had to learn that failure is an important part of success. For a long time, if it didn’t come out perfectly the first time, I considered it failure. As such, I didn’t try a lot of things. What changed things for me was hearing the singer Harry Chapin say that when he started, he had to give himself the freedom to be bad for a while. That’s just the way you learn. Edison used to say that he learned another way that one of his inventions wouldn’t work when he failed. We’re conditioned in school to believe that we don’t have what it takes when we fail, and that we failed because we didn’t apply ourselves. What they don’t tell you is that you’re going to fail even when you do apply yourself, and it’s no reason to give up. Giving up is the ultimate failure.
Yes, the curse of the perfectionist. Another big part of where my difficulty with defining failure comes from. It is really hard to allow yourself the freedom to create imperfection and be okay with that. But, like you said, that is the only way one can truly learn. To try, fail, and keep moving forward. Thank you for the comment, John.
Failure is difficult to come to terms with and to describe too, Jessica, but here is a quote/mantra from one of my characters in my novel when he plays chess against the school bully:
To win you need to lose ~ To lose you need to make mistakes ~ To make mistakes, is to make a winner
Ooooo…I love that, Martin! Thank you for sharing.
You’re welcome, Jessica